A Very Hillybilly YuGiOh
by yami of black chaos
Summary: Yami lives in the woods with his 20 children, the only person to witness the wrath of a chupacabra and live to tell about it. Kaiba steals their goats on occasion, and Yugi is the family's attack possum..while he lasts. Thanx for the R&R (No more updates)


It's Wednesday, August 13, 2003 11:25:17 PM.   
  
I have insomnia, and so i decided to make myself tired by writing this YGO parody. I love YGO, so if I seem to insult it, its purely unintentional. :) I do not own rights to yugioh or any related titles, any mimicry of the characters is intentional, and any copyright infringments are UNintentional. ^_~  
  
A Very hillbilly Yu-Gi-Oh  
  
*Introduction*  
  
Yami and Tea are married and Yugi now resides within the puzzle, allowing Yami full control of the body they once shared. Tea has given birth to13 little children, each with super hillbilly shadow powers inherited from Yami's side of the family.   
  
Yugi did not give up his body willingly. Yami banished him to the puzzle, saying that he could find better ways of using "their" body, such as having sex... Gay sex on occasion, with Tristan and Joey. Yami was rather addicted to gay orgies and stayed horny whenever his friends were around, much to the dismay of his hillbilly slut wife Tea.   
  
Yami was also a bigamist, and had attracted Mai when she heard of his striking oil. Being the golddigger she was, she did not mind bearing 7 more of his hillbilly super children so long as he bought her whatever the hell she wanted. And that he did.   
  
Yami was happily married to both Tea and Mai, until Mai stabbed Tea with a hot cattle prod, trying to kill her in an attempt to collect insurance money. Tea retaliated by putting a bomb in their outhouse when Mai was going to use the restroom, causing Mai's left butt cheek to be blown off. They never found it but since Yami is rich he bought her a plastic ass to compensate for the one half Tea blew away.   
  
Grandpa died and left Yugi the game shop, but Yami struck oil accidently after shooting at some wild possums in Montana, so after taking over Yugi's body, Yami sold the game shop to Kaiba who was uber obsessed with card games. Kaiba was jealous that Yami was rich after striking oil and decided to spy on them constantly to make sure that he was way ahead of Yami and Tea when it came to ways of spending his money. He soon realized that being in the woods so long had corrupted the minds of Yami and all of their friends, causing them to be a bunch of woodland dwelling savages, talking unintelligible hillbilly slang, eating whatever lay decomposing in the road, and bathing and pissing in the same pots they cooked with. Kaiba made mental note not to accept their dinner invitations, but spied on them anyway since he has no life after getting his ass whooped constantly in dueling tourneys...  
  
Kaiba occasionally forgets to bring his checkbook, so he can't buy groceries, and end up stealing the Motou's goats from their farm to make goat-burgers. Yami and family are completely oblivious to the fact that Kaiba creeps around their house and steals their animals for food, so they blame the disappearances on the chupacabra that lives in the cave a mile down the dirt road from the house.  
  
They found out about the chupacabra when Yami was out walking their Weiner dog, and a hairy beast emerged from the darkness, snatched up the dog, and ate it whole. Yami loved his dog, but got the fuck out of there without second thought. No one really believed in the chupacabra except Yami and Yugi, the others thought he was hallucinating from eating some bad rattlesnake meat.  
  
****************************************************************************************  
  
Scene: Mai is cooking dinner while Tea is breast feeding their youngest son. Almost everyone is sitting at the table waiting for their meal, including Bakura who decided to visit the family for a week, and all of the kids, except Yami jr, called Jr, by everyone in the household.  
  
Mai: Alright young uns'! dinner is served!  
  
Everyone except Bakura: *looks at their meal of rattlesnake meat and sniffs the air*   
  
Bakura: *contemplates how to get out of this..*   
  
__;;  
  
  
  
  
  
Yami: Well Ill be, this has got to be the best smellin road kill i ever smelled in my life!  
  
Mai: Thank ya darlin! Too bad Tea can't cook worth a hill a bean. Heck, I be chewin her food for hours before its good enough to swallow without chokin on it.  
  
Tea: *throws her breast pump at mai and splatters Bakura*  
  
Bakura: Great scott! *faints*  
  
Yami: Guess he wont be eatin'! *takes Bakura's food*  
  
Mai: Oh no you didn't!   
  
Kabia: *takes advantage of the confusion and steals a pie that is cooling in the window*  
  
Yami: Aw come on! Save this shit for breakfast! Dinner is on and I wanna eat in peace, or ya can get yer asses out of my kitchen!   
  
Mai: I keep this damn kitchen clean and I cook these damn dinners every damn night so tell your other wife to do us all a favor and kill herself cause she don't do a damn thing around here no way but get pregnant!  
  
Tea: Quit Yer Bitchen, Bitch.  
  
Yami: I'll say! I'm tired of hearing this hoopin' and hollerin'! Yall gone ruin my appetite!  
  
Jr: *comes into the kitchen, and pulls on Tea's blouse* Ma, there's a pie in the yard!   
  
Tea: That's nice dear, go tell yer Paw.  
  
Jr: *tells yami*  
  
Yami: Tell yer other maw! I don't care bout no pie!  
  
Mai: *realizes her pie is not in the window anymore* You stole my pie?!?! I worked hard on that pie!  
  
Jr: I ain't steal no pie!   
  
Mai: Well I don't see it, I'll tell you wut, since you want that pie so dern bad you go out there and eat the whole thang! When you get sick as hell You'll learn yer lesson bout stealin from yer Maw!  
  
Jr: But.. but...  
  
Yami: You heard your maw, now go on out there and eat that pie.  
  
Jr: *starts crying and walks back outside*  
  
Tea and Mai: *continue bickering where they left off*  
  
Yami: *eats Jr's food too*  
  
*********************************************************************************  
  
*scene: they eventually finish dinner, and Yami is sitting in the living room with his kids, watching the fireplace*  
  
Tea: That fireplace is too violent! turn that off right now!  
  
Young Un's: Aw....  
  
Jr: *walks in smelling like shit*  
  
Yami: WOOWEE!! Damn that boy ain't right!  
  
Tea: What in heavens name have you been doin'?  
  
Jr: Maw told me to eat the pie in the yard.. *starts crying*  
  
Tea: *jumps up mad as hell* You mean to tell me that bitch made you eat a cow pie?  
  
Jr: I tried to tell paw but he told me to eat it too!  
  
Yami: o_o;; *is slapped by Tea*  
  
Tea: You oughtta be shamed a yerself!  
  
Yami: *rubs his cheek* I ain't know!  
  
Tea: Like hell ya didn't! Mai, get your D-cup wearing slut ass in here fore' I come in thar after you!  
  
Mai: *comes on the room and slaps Tea* Bitch wut I told you bout callin me out a my name?  
  
Tea: *kicks Mai* I don't give a fuck what you said, whore!  
  
yami: *sighs*  
  
Yugi: // I gotta pee//   
  
Yami: Why don't you get yer own bladder?  
  
Yugi: // it IS my bladder!//  
  
Yami: *sigh* ok... *puts the kids to bed and goes to the outhouse to relieve theirself*  
  
Yugi: // I want my body back! or at least one like it!//  
  
Yami: I'll see.... *Opens the door to the outhouse and the chupacabra comes out with tissue stuck dragging behind its hind paw*  
  
Yugi and Yami: AHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
Chupacabra: :D  
  
Yugi: //Run Yami!//  
  
Yami: *is paralyzed with fear* @__@  
  
Chupacabra: *knocks Yami over and steals his Reeboks*  
  
Yami: *shakes off his paralysis* Hey I paid good money for them shoes!  
  
Chupacabra: *shoots Yami a bird and runs off wearing his new shoes*  
  
Yami: Damn...That gives me an idea... You say you want a new body?  
  
Yugi: //Yeah...//  
  
Yami: hehehe....  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
*scene: Yami is out teaching Yami Yugi Jr how to hunt wild possums and brung the sennen puzzle along with him*  
  
Yami Yugi jr: Look Paw! There go one of dem' critters right nah!  
  
Yami: Great son, now what did paw tell you about huntin'?  
  
Jr: Keep both eyes open and aim crooked!  
  
Yami: Dat's muh boy! *slaps his son on the back, knocking him over and causing him to fall face first in a cow pie*  
  
Jr: Aw man.. I found another pie.. do I have to eat it?   
  
Yami: No... u.u  
  
Jr: Yay! *takes aim for the possum*  
  
Yami: Wait a minute son.... I hear dem thangs are pretty vicious. Why don't we keep this one and don't tell yer maws about it?  
  
Jr: You mean for a pet?!? Yeah!  
  
Yami: Good... now don't tell ANYONE about it yet...  
  
Yugi: //gets a weird feeling//  
  
Jr: Sure thing paw, but where are we gonna keep it?  
  
Yami: It can sleep in the outhouse, and guard our family against the chupacabra.  
  
Jr: Oh... Maw says the chupacabra don't exist..  
  
Yami: I tell ye the chupacabra does exist! and he stole muh sneakers!  
  
Jr: uh... ok....  
  
Yami: Why don't you go on home, well just tell maw we couldn't find no possums today.   
  
Jr: Ok. aren't you comin'?   
  
Yami: Naw.. I got some thangs ta do...  
  
Jr: Ok *leaves*  
  
Yugi: //What are you going to do with that possum? Possums are the dumbest animals in this neck of the woods, there's no way you can train one... especially not to take on a chupacabra...//  
  
Yami: Oh I'm not gonna train it... I've got something else planned.  
  
Yugi: *gets scared but has no where to run since he has no body* :(  
  
Yami: *snatches up the possum and ties it to a tree so it can't run away*  
  
Yugi: //Yami.. what are you up to??//  
  
Yami: You said you wanted a body right?  
  
Yugi: *doesn't have time to answer before Yami traps his soul in the possum*  
  
Yami: *stands back and looks at his handiwork*  
  
Yugi: .......  
  
*********************************************************  
  
Scene: Yami and Yugi come home. Yami is sitting on the porch holding a rifle and waiting for the Reebok stealing chupacabra to show his face*  
  
Yugi: *is tied to the porch* I'm scared Yami! I don't wanna fight no chupacabra!  
  
Yami: Be a man! You pussy, a chupacabra never hurt nobody, we gotta make him pay for stealing our goats and my Reeboks!  
  
Yugi: *sighs* u.u0 Ok, Yami...  
  
Yami: *spots a shadowy figure lurking behind the trees* Sick em' Yugi!  
  
Yugi: %_% I don' wanna!!  
  
Yami: Ya gonna! *unties Yugi and throws him on the shadowy creature*  
  
Shadowy creature: AHHHHHH! Rabid possum!  
  
Yugi: RARRR! *tries to act ferocious*  
  
Yami: *shines a flashlight on the figure, and discovers its Kaiba*  
  
Kaiba: *steal screaming bloody murder*  
  
Yami: *notices Kabia's pants are down* That's enough Yugi.... Kaiba what are you doing?!  
  
Kaiba: *pulls up his pants* I stopped to take a piss and I get attacked by a possum named after my mortal enemy!  
  
Yami: How dare you piss on MY trees! :O  
  
Kaiba: You're trees aren't any better than mine! :I  
  
Yami: So you piss on your own trees too? o_O You sick bastard... GET HIM YUGI!  
  
Yugi: *pounces on Kaiba and bites his dick off* :(  
  
Kaiba: *runs away bleeding*   
  
Yami: That'll show him to piss on my good trees! He should of used the bushes like everyone else! :o That kabia always think he's so damn high and mighty.., stupid tree pisser.  
  
Yugi: Yeah!   
  
Bakura: *appears from out of nowhere*  
  
Yugi: *attacks him on impulse*  
  
Bakura: *screaming like a girl* AHHHH!! My hair! he's in my hair!  
  
Yami: Down Yugi! Bad Yugi!  
  
Yugi: Oops... got carried away.....Sorry Bakura.  
  
Bakura: *bleeding* oh its alright... *tries not to faint*  
  
Yami: What are you doing up so late?  
  
Bakura: oh.. uh... just checking to see what you guys are up at this time of night...  
  
Yami: *Looks down and bakura is wearing shoes much like the one the chupacabra stole from him*  
  
Bakura: *looks down too, and says nothing*  
  
*****  
  
AWKWARD SILENCE ENSUES..............  
  
*****  
  
Bakura: Um.. I got these on sale at foot locker. You can borrow them sometime if you like....  
  
Yami: No thanks.. I'm going to make that chupacabra pay for taking my shoes.  
  
Bakura: Chupacabra?  
  
Yami: Yah, I went to the outhouse last night and he came out and mugged me.  
  
Bakura: Oh... *looks up at the full moon and shivers as his sennen ring starts to glow*  
  
Yami and Yugi: *Stand back and watch the transformation*  
  
Yami Bakura: *stands there with his white hair now black, excess amounts of body hair, and taste for some goat meat*  
  
Yami: Yugi! The whole time it was Yami Bakura!! Get him!  
  
Yugi: I don't want to hurt him!  
  
Yami: Maybe you're right... he IS still Bakura...*looks down at his reebok that yami b is still wearing* KILL HIM YUGI! AND DEFEND MY HONOR!  
  
Yugi: ....  
  
Yami: AND MY REEBOK!  
  
Yami B: *whistles* You're not the only one with friends! HAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Yami: *punches yami bakura* Give me muh reebok fore' I have ta open a can a whoop ass on yer ass!  
  
Yami B: Get a grammar book you idiot. You just used a double negative. *eye roll*  
  
Yami: That's it, no body insults muh language! Get him Yugi!  
  
Yugi: *attacks yami b*  
  
Yami b: *sends him to the shadow realm just as his back up arrives*  
  
Yami: AAAHHHHHHHH! Its bigfoot!   
  
Bigfoot: :D  
  
Yami: *backs up slowly as the chupacabra and bigfoot close in on him*  
  
Bigfoot: *mugs Yugi and takes his Egyptian god cards*  
  
Yami: Marik??  
  
Bigfoot: Actually no... I'm Odeon. :D  
  
Marik: *appears out of the bushes* HAHAHAHAHA!   
  
Yami: Don't tell me... are you a unicorn??  
  
Marik: Nope... *puts on a ski mask and grabs a chain saw*  
  
Yami: Oh boy...  
  
Odeon: *runs off with the Egyptian god cards*  
  
Marik: Hey!! Those were supposed to be for me!  
  
Odeon: Finders keepers! :D  
  
Marik: *chases after bigfoot with a bloody chainsaw but runs into a tree because his ski mask has no eye holes*  
  
Yami B: Why do I pair up with these idiots? *smacks self*  
  
Yami: birds of a feather... hehehe.   
  
Yami B: is that some kind of insult?  
  
Yami: Nah. *wink* Speaking of feathers, where dem chickens that disappeared last night??   
  
Yami B: I didn't take any chickens...  
  
Yami: yeah ya did! Its gone! all muh chickens is gone!  
  
Yami B: What the hell are you talking about? I eat goats...  
  
Yami: And chickens! :(  
  
Yami B: What the fuck are you talking about!? I Ain't eat no chickens!!  
  
Yami: Who's using a double negative now? huh?? HUH???  
  
Yami B: That's not a double negative, that's just bad grammar you fool!  
  
Yami: I knew that! I was just trying to see if YOU knew that!   
  
_   
  
  
  
Yami B: You know what, I've got some goats to eat, I'm not wasting any more time here with you!  
  
Yami: What's wrong?? Don't think you're good enough to eat road-kill like us common folk?  
  
Yami B: Ugh...You heathens make me sick. I'm leaving. *runs off and takes 2 of Yami's goats with him*  
  
Yami: Damn, he took muh milkin' goat! now what I'm gonna eat muh cereal wit'?   
  
Yugi: *in the shadow realm* *running from other banished souls* THAT IDIOT BETTER GET ME OUTTA HERE!  
  
Yami: *wonders how Yugi is doing* Oh well, I guess we'll be having possum for dinner... YUM!  
  
IF YOU WANT A SEQUEL YOU BETTER REVIEW!! I WANT AT LEAST 7 REVIEWS BEFORE I MAKE A SEQUEL. :P 


End file.
